PN 6271 
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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 

Cliap,... Copyright No. 

Shelt__S^_. 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



DARTS, SPARKS, AND 
FRAGMENTS 



HARRY ^SUTPHIN 



Dedicated to the reader's best friend- 
himself. 






WASHINGTON fOfe 

1896 \j* » 



7H U7l 

<h2 



Copyright, 1896 

BY 

HARRY SUTPHIN 



Ufce Tknfcfcerbocfter press, •fflew H?otfe 



DARTS, SPARKS, AND FRAGMENTS 



DARTS, SPARKS, AND 
FRAGMENTS. 



A MAN who continually boasts of his 
**■ independence is not infrequently 
hampered by his obligations. 



The cunning frequently rely on their 
verbosity as a subterfuge for concealing 
their ignorance. 



When we admire a man, we call his 
lack of courage sagacity ; when we de- 
spise him, we call his display of courage 
foolhardiness. 



Datta, Sparks* 



An ingrate is a residuary legatee of the 
devil. 



Fish never furnished brains for a fool 
nor celery nerve for a coward. 

m 

If you wish to borrow without risking 
your reputation, borrow incognito. 



A perfunctory kiss has more ceremony 
than warmth. 



I^ate company is apt to be either vicious, 
boosy, or drowsy. 

B 

Never decide a bet between friends, 
for one of your friends will lose his 
money and you will lose one of your 
friends. 



A man who cannot govern his tongue 
should be an athlete. 



and fragments 



With wisdom, darkness becomes light ; 
with ignorance, all is obscurity. 

A coward whistles when going home 
late at night ; a brave man thinks of to- 
morrow. 

* 

He who sleeps alone becomes more or 
less a thinker ; he who is married, a 
listener. 

# 

He who never refers to the goodness 
and nobility of his mother tacitly ques- 
tions his parentage. 

& 

The doctor would save the body, the 
preacher the soul, and the politician take 
both. 

& 

Time cannot entomb, age obliterate, 
ignorance deface, superstition remove, 
hypocrisy encompass, nor treachery be- 
tray the truth. 



Darts, Sparse, 



Though repartee cuts like a Damascus 
blade, it rarely penetrates the skin. 



He who would commit crime if he had 
the opportunity and did not fear detec- 
tion, while guiltless under the law of 
man, is as guilty by divine law as the 
actual offender. 

m 

The question of finance is for some 
people like a quagmire ; the farther they 
go into it the deeper they sink. 



He who devotes a lifetime to the search 
for knowledge, and who on dying ac- 
knowledges his ignorance, dies a philoso- 
pher. 

m 

The nearest approach to a good Indian 
that I ever saw held a bunch of wooden 
cigars in his hand, and even he was in the 
way. 



anD af ragmenta 5 



With capital punishment in practice 
there should be no discrimination between 
the sexes. A I/ucretia Borgia should hang 
by the side of a Dr. Holmes. 

$ 

From idleness and dependence some 
men never enjoy a holiday. 

* 

A sympathetic person rarely suffers 
from ennui. 

The nerve, stupidity, and worthlessness 
of some men are as boundless as space 
and more difficult to encompass. 

Many a man has been transformed 
from a blasphemous ruffian to a Chester- 
field by a woman's presence. 

* 

To believe one's parents to be pure and 
good is an inspiration for a life that shall 
be worthy of them. 



Darts, Sparfts, 



In order to be supremely happy on 
earth, we should devote our seconds to 
beauty, our minutes to wealth, our hours 
to health, our days to love, our weeks to 
knowledge, our months to charity, and 
our years to eternity. 



Superstition is sired by Ignorance, 
nursed in the maternal arms of Coward- 
ice, and pursued through life by the 
ghost of Fear. 

& 

The modern philanthropist refuses 
bread in life to the needy, and erects 
marble shafts after death to the re- 
nowned. 

Show me an acknowledged atheist, and 
I '11 show you a possible anarchist. 

m 

It is as easy to mix oil and water as to 
give hopefulness to a dyspeptic. 



anfc ^fragments 



Cleanliness shows on the surface while 
godliness is proclaimed. 



Human love is anchored to the frail 
raft of life and may be wrecked by any 
current ; divine love is chained to the 
Rock of Ages and cannot perish. 

m 

As a traitor delivers his country to the 
enemy, so would an infidel sacrifice his 
god to the devil (if he believed in the 
existence of one) , 

The arrows from the quiver of the 
hypocrite are never driven home because 
his bow lacks the strength of sincerity. 

It takes imprints to convince a doubt- 
ing Thomas, 

* 

A coward is easy to alarm but hard to 
surprise. 



8 Darts, Sparks, 



The love of a mother for her offspring 
is as deep and boundless as the mighty 
ocean, while the love of the sexes is like 
the rushing torrent of the mountain 
stream that gains great velocity only to 
be checked or turned aside in its passion- 
ate course by colliding with the unseen 
boulder. 



The fallacy of the hypothesis that fair- 
ness characterizes duelling is shown 
when the offender and the offended are 
placed on an equal footing as candidates 
for extermination. 

Frugality is a forerunner of prosperity 
and temperance a preserver of health. 



liberty promotes good citizenship, and 
religious tolerance is the indispensable 
foundation of a lasting government. 






anD ^fragments 



Gambling indulged in for mere amuse- 
ment affords less intellectual entertain- 
ment than Italian opera and is even more 
costly, 

Judgment is more apt to be faulty than 
memory treacherous. 

God created man in His own image, 
but not a few become unrecognizable 
through indulgence in sin and vice. 



A wise man meditates and sometimes 
speaks, and a fool speaks and sometimes 
meditates. 



Music enlivens festivities and solem- 
nizes mournful ceremonies, invigorates 
Satanic revelries and inspires godly exal- 
tations. 



Dacta, Sparks, 



It takes years of sorrow to wrinkle the 
face, while one disappointment may blast 
the heart. 

m 

He who continually mourns over his 
past life comes to forget that he has a 
future. 

m 

Argument is non-convincing to the 
egotist, incomprehensible to the illiterate, 
ineffective to the fool, and enlightening 
to the learned. 

m 

Wise men write philosophical sayings 
expecting fools to read them. 



Some titles are deservedly bestowed, 
some bestowed undeservedly, and others 
deserved but never bestowed. 

m 

Indisposition is frequently a misnomer 
for laziness. 



and fragments 



The inalienable rights of life, liberty, 
and the pursuit of happiness have never 
been but approximately enjoyed by man. 



The root of genius may be a gift of na- 
ture, but its budding is due to intense love 
for the subject, and its fruit is simply the 
crown of protracted and incessant labor. 



A man may become so officious in life 
as to consider himself the self-appointed 
guardian of both friend and foe. 



A child's laugh is a combination of 
music, mirth, and innocence. 



The day will come when the civilized 
people of the world will no longer sub- 
mit to autocratic and self-willed rulers 
who are antagonistic to the welfare of the 
masses. 



2>arts, Sparks, 



One who possesses a contented mind, 
a cheerful disposition, and temperate hab- 
its requires no medicine. 



It is an axiom of diplomacy to speak 
without saying anything. 



The country that sanctions duelling for 
the adjustment of disputes thereby ac- 
knowledges incompetency to enact laws 
for the government of her subjects. 



Confidence is never shared without 
risk. 

m 

Cleanliness is expected of man and de- 
manded of woman. 



Crank reformers of both sexes can usu- 
ally be distinguished by the length of 
their hair. 



anfc fragments 13 



Good apparel does n't make a man, but 
it sometimes breaks him. 



Vanity and conventional indulgences 
have transformed many a woman from 
beauty to the beast. 

The prince and the pauper must both 
eat and sleep, love and hate, suffer and 
die. 

$ 

The physical and muscular develop- 
ment of woman are both essential for her 
perfection. 

& 

A cheerful and interesting tale-telling 
liar may be endured for his entertainment, 
but a slanderous liar, no matter how sci- 
entific, is always despicable. 



Many prefer semi-starvation and a life 
of idleness to abundance with labor. 



i4 2>art6, Sparks, 



If nature be not inconsistent, women 
should at least mutter in their sleep. 



Cleanliness purifies the body, and god- 
liness the soul. 



The new Congressman enters the na- 
tion's legislative halls with a " behold a 
Daniel hath arrived ' ' demeanor, and re- 
turns to his constituents at the end of the 
session with the dejected aspect of a Na- 
poleon from Waterloo who has succumbed 
to superior forces. 



Is it modesty, perplexity, fear, indigna- 
tion, or expectation that predominates 
when the proverbial old maid takes her 
nightly peep under the bed ? 



Greed for money springs eternal in the 
human breast. 



anfc 3Fragm ents 15 



Many a brilliant and profound states- 
man has failed to reach his expected ze- 
nith of fame owing to nature's handicap 
of an exasperating and rasping voice and 
a diminutive physique. 



He whose thoughts continually dwell 
on ' ' what shall I eat ? ' ' soon makes a god 
of his belly, and eventually breaks down 
as completely as did the " One-Hoss 
Shay." 

The face of an ingrate looks best when 
upturned. 

While half of the world is looking for 
theories in life the other half is dodging 
conditions. 

& 

Man may postpone justice and deny 
equity, but nature never fails (sooner or 
later) to balance her accounts. 



16 Darts, gpatfcs, 



We penalize vice because we cannot 
reward virtue. 



The man who adheres strictly to con- 
formity and consistency may preserve 
energy but will die a nonentity. 



IyOve ripens in a day and may be con- 
sumed before night, but confidence ma- 
tures slowly and is more lasting. 



Jewelry is a relic of barbarism, and 
vulgarity is evidenced in proportion to 
the quantity that decorates the person. 



A word of sympathy and an act of 
kindness when sincerely spoken and un- 
ostentatiously bestowed enrich the giver 
and lighten the burden of many an unfor- 
tunate. 



anD fragments 17 



To the truly good and charitable, life 
is a perpetual paradise and hell a pure 
fiction. 

& 

More wagers are lost through prejudice, 
sympathy, and affiliation than through 
ignorance, 

Character and qualifications being 
equal, men with families should invaria- 
bly be given the preference for employ- 
ment. 

* 

All inherit the prerogative of choosing 
their course in life, but many of us drift 
along the easy, conventional, and enjoy- 
able path that inevitably leads to the 
irredeemable bankruptcy of the purse, 
the physical wreck of the body, and the 
eternal loss of the soul. 



Criminals mentally irresponsible should 
be held in restraint as imbeciles and cared 



18 2>art0, Sparta, 



for as wards of their respective communi- 
ties, and not be incarcerated as felons or 
annihilated as human monsters. 



Nature abhors a vacuum, and all men 
should have a purpose in life, the accom- 
plishment of which should not be aban- 
doned on account of occasional rebuffs or 
discouragement. 

A methodical man crosses his tf's, dots 
his i 's and assures himself that he has his 
night key before leaving home. 

Though we do not tolerate idolatry, we 
are as a nation still under the demoraliz- 
ing influence of idolatrous infatuation. 

* 

Wit, to be lasting, should puncture and 
not merely scratch. 

m 

We envy in others qualities that we are 
most deficient in ourselves. 



anD fragments 19 



Those who ridicule our battle-scarred 
veterans would have expended their last 
cent in securing a substitute, had they 
been drafted for their country's service. 



History shows that the lives of all great 
men have been full of mistakes, and ex- 
perience teaches that the lives of all fools 
are made up of their repetitions. 



Fame and renown are scrolled on parch- 
ment or chiselled on marble and fade or 
decay with time, while charity is carved 
on the heart and liveth even in eternity. 



Discretion in speech follows wisdom in 
thought. 

It is better to forget our past follies 
than idly to repent them. 



IDarts, Sparks, 



The truly charitable and brave delay 
not action till assured that their deeds 
will be proclaimed to the world. 



Illiterate associates and a narrow field 
of intercourse have prevented many a 
genius from ever reaching his zenith in- 
tellectually, morally, or socially. 



Those who continually boast of the 
superiority of their sex are too narrow- 
minded to estimate the worth of the op- 
posite sex. 



The flattery of professed friends has 
led many an egotist to believe that he 
has attained perfection. 



An intelligent man is like a fish — more 
at home in deep water than in shallow. 



and ^Fragments 



I^aws should be enacted for the repres- 
sion, suppression, and punishment of 
crime, and not for the tyrannical oppres- 
sion and depression of the masses or for 
the benefit of a favored few. 

It is much easier to impress others with 
our greatness than to convince ourselves 
that we possess greatness. 

We are nearest to God in infancy, for 
only then are we part of His kingdom. 

The ' ' new woman ' ' in her endeavor 
to be manly may cease to be womanly. 

Some women act as if they believed 
God decreed Paris to perfect His creation. 

.# 

Hypnotism is an irreconcilable and mis- 
directed effort of science (?). It may be 
used to suggest a criminal offence, but it 
can never influence a charitable act or a 
noble deed. 



Darts, $parfc0, 



Education has done more to diminish 
drunkenness than compulsory laws, coer- 
cion, and temperance societies combined. 



Time lost and opportunities not em- 
braced are the post mortems of life. 



It is simply a question of time when 
the persistent faro-bank and roulette 
player either goes snow-blind from play- 
ing white chips or loses everything but 
his " system." 

* 

Many who profess to follow the teach- 
ings of Christ in religion, and of Jefferson 
in politics, require branding to be recog- 
nized. 

m 

That city is built on rock whose morals 
are good, whose schools are adequate, 
and whose sanitary and hygienic condition 
approaches perfection. 



anD fragments 23 



A wife who goes to meet her husband 
only on his pay-day has many a grievance 
untold. 



Idleness and a lack of social intercourse 
are forerunners of crime ; nature intended 
man to work and mate. 



The slandering tongue of a malicious 
woman is more to be dreaded than a 
plague. 

& 

A base alliance even for the attainment 
of a good end is never advisable, justifi- 
able, or honorable. 



The penalty of immorality is servitude 
in life and loneliness at death. 

& 

The most profound thinkers have found 
satisfaction in the use of tobacco. 



24 2>atts, Sparks, 



The borrower proclaims poverty, and 
the lender invites it. The borrower loses 
friends for money, and the lender loses 
money for friends. The borrower dies 
metaphorically from absent mindedness, 
and the lender lives to learn of the du- 
plicity of man. 



Purity of thought and action is the 
corner-stone of Christianity and the foun- 
dation for a life of happiness. 



Forethought and mutual adaptation 
rarely influence marriage. 



The most neglected and the most profit- 
able study in life is one's self. 



He who acts only on necessity would 
make a good policeman, but has a slight 
chance of ever becoming a hero. 



anD ^fragments 25 



Prosperity follows the economy of for- 
tune, and knowledge the economy of 
time. 

m 

Failure in life blights hopes and sad- 
dens joys, but no aim is criminal, fosters 
discontent, and creates poverty. 

m 

He who invests his time accumulating 
knowledge and entertains only noble 
thoughts is never lonesome. 

All men are born best adapted to certain 
pursuits, but owing to indolence most 
men go to their graves before ascertaining 
their adaptability. 

* 

The distinction between charity and 
philanthropy is that charity bestows 
needed gifts and philanthropy decides 
concerning their necessity. 

The time usually devoted to meditation 
is when in adversity, hunger, or jail. 



26 Darts, Sparks, 



The woman who marries a dissipated 
man ' ' to reform him ' ' is more likely to 
be rewarded in heaven than compensated 
on earth. 



. An honest politician is made conspicu- 
ous by being silhouetted against the back- 
ground of corrupt politics. 



To marry clandestinely is like buying a 
lottery ticket : you know not whether you 
have drawn a prize or a blank. 



When a philanthropist conceals his 
identity, his acts become charity. 



Beauty (in woman) though courted and 
admired is superficial and interests but 
temporarily. Talent, intelligence, and 
common-sense are more subtle and win 
lasting admiration. 



and fragments 27 



The greatest torture that man is forced 
to endure in life is to remember golden 
opportunities which have been neglected . 

The more enlightened woman becomes, 
the more she learns to trust herself to the 
chivalry of manhood. 

Is woman, idleness, or gold the root of 
all evil ? 

What the world condemns as vices in 
the pauper it condones as eccentricities in 
the prince. 

» 

Charity is budded on earth to bloom in 
heaven. 

When love is based solely on sensuous 
passion, it must be fed on youth, beauty, 
personal attractiveness, and ' ' the infinite 
variety of her entertainment," or it will 
soon become impoverished, flicker, and 
go out for the want of fuel. 



28 Barts, Sparfts, 



The foolish contemplate only the dark 
side of life, but the wise learn that to 
accept cheerfully the unavoidable vicissi- 
tudes of life is conducive to the pursuit 
of happiness. 



Death liquidates man's indebtedness to 
nature, and gives a perpetual lease of 
life in the invisible hereafter. 



A jury's verdict of "not guilty" is a 
vindication in law, but does not establish 
innocence ; it simply proclaims that guilt 
was ' ' not proven ' ' and innocence is pre- 
sumed. 



An unlimited supply of money pro- 
vided ostensibly for ' ' legitimate cam- 
paign purposes," and base alliances 
advocated by practical politics for the 
accomplishment of party success, are the 
chief source of political debauchery. 



and fragments 29 



More dissipated youths have been re- 
formed by being thrashed than saved by 
listening to the experience of old trans- 
gressors. 

m 

Many a serious fall has resulted from a 
simple slip of the tongue. 



Echoes are never heard from eternity. 



By inheritance we may acquire wealth 
but never character. 



All things in life have a tendency to 
equalize one to another and thus to secure 
compensation. He who is quick of per- 
ception, sees things sooner ; while he 
who is slow to perceive, enjoys them 
longer when seen. The rich man has 
his ice in summer, and the poor man is 
equally blessed in winter. 



30 2>arts, Sparks, 



Those guilty of minor offences fre- 
quently find it necessary for self-preser- 
vation to commit further crime of greater 
magnitude. 

m 

The pursuits of pleasure are creations 
of passion, while those of happiness are 
directed by wisdom dearly acquired by 
experience. 

The cleavage produced in the middle 
of a man's conscience by his first dis- 
honorable act can never be obliterated, 
and is apt to expand by further acts till 
it blights his life. 

m 

Ingratitude, the incarnation of human 
vileness and debased manhood, is an un- 
pardonable sin, and is evidence that the 
heart of the delinquent is a vacuum. 

m 

Speculation is an underground conduit 
to an imaginary Kl Dorado, where dark- 



anD ^Fragments 31 



ness obscures all view of an unscheduled 
terminus. 

m 

lyaws are not enacted for the punish- 
ment of past crimes, but in anticipation 
of those to be committed, and to discour- 
age and lessen these. 

m 

Man is like pottery, which may be 
moulded in many shapes, but which still 
always remains brittle. 

Opinions require reasons for weight. 

The wife who sacrifices to social claims 
her love and devotion to her husband 
runs the risk of compromising his honor 
while she invites attack on her own 
virtue. 

Principles survive the defeat of political 
parties, and the death of their advocates. 



32 2>arts, Spatfcs, 



The more we study man, the more we 
are puzzled to determine whether good- 
ness or badness predominates. 

m 

A humorous villain is a rara avis. 

Many divines act as if they believe 
their mission is to save their individual 
flock and not the whole human race. 

What you lack in knowledge credit to 
others and you will pronounce no man a 
fool. 

A solicitor of tips is rarely a decliner 
of bribes. 

Most men are more anxious to ascertain 
the cause of the trouble of others than to 
render them assistance. 

If you wish to act as the devil would, 
just follow your natural inclinations. 



and afrasments 33 



The envious always wear a badge of 
inferiority. 

» 

If gossiping were confined to telling 
of our own shortcomings, gossip would 
die from suicide. 

* 

Never introduce vice to the youthful 
with the expectation that abhorrence and 
disgust will necessarily follow, but en- 
deavor to dissuade indulgence by moral 
and truthful reasoning, without manifes- 
ting too much familiarity with the 
monster. 

» 

The man who truly loves his children 
can never become wilfully bad. 

* 

It is easier to locate a white blackbird 
than to find " honor among thieves." 

Man's selfishness is fostered by wo- 
man's unselfishness. 

3 



34 2>arts, Sparks, 



Expectation is the life, and realization 
the death, of many an idle dream. 



It is far better to be held in subjection 
by maternal apron-strings than to be held 
in suspense by the sheriff's rope. 



The envious and insincere are the most 
extravagant with their congratulations ; 
and the unscrupulous and the guilty, the 
most pronounced with their censure. 



The best time to proffer one's love is 
at twilight, for then it is that courage 
increases and that disappointment is less 
perceptibly embarrassing. 



Foul and profane speech is a canker 
which unless eradicated in infancy will 
spread till it eats its way to one's vitals, 



anD 3f ragmenta 35 



In times of general misfortune, dis- 
aster, and calamity, courage and bravery 
become contagious. 

» 

He who disguises himself by assum- 
ing the garb of undeserved dignity is 
ridiculed and despised when unmasked. 

Grief shortens life, and worry makes 
life a burden. 

* 

He who adheres strictly to the script- 
ural doctrine of turning the other cheek 
preserves energy and starves resentment. 

* 

The idea that the majority of women 
have of ' ' daily news ' ' is restricted to 
births, brides, and corpses. 

& 

Drug clerks charge nothing for their 
services in removing a cinder from your 
eye ; the cost comes later when the ocu- 
list removes the eye. 



36 3>arts, Sparfes, 



Death releases the soul from bondage, 
and gives to the body needed repose. 



By misfortune and trouble, we are all 
made actors in life. 



Discontent and unhappiness are as 
often found on the bed of down as misery 
and distress on the pallet of straw. 

* 

' T is not the size or grandeur of the 
structure, but the contentment that abides 
within, that insures a happy home. 



If incorruptible in principle, steadfast 
in honor, untainted in morals, and blame- 
less in manners, thou art a living monu- 
ment to manhood. 

$$> 

Deception first deludes others, then 
ourselves, and finally itself. 



anD fragments 37 



Man blessed with a happy home has 
ever at hand a refuge from worldly toils 
and anxieties, 

# 

Nobility of nature and goodness of 
character are not guaranteed prosperity. 

The older the principles in politics, the 
greater the difficulty in maintaining 
them. 

A man having no purpose, aim, or plan 
in life, remains a child all of his days. 

& 

He who devotes all of his time, talent, 
and energy to the study of one subject 
or to the developement of one idea will 
eventually become a crank. 

m 

Man has been endowed by nature with 
sufficient force to conquer the world, and 
was not created an imbecile to be subdued 
by it. 



38 2>arts, Sparks, 



Industry is the means, and frugality 
the way, to wealth. 



A man who satisfies expectations and 
never reminds us of his predecessors 
or contemporaries, is unquestionably a 
genius. 

History chronicles events of past 
epochs, and memory retains recollec- 
tions of by-gone days, but of eternity all 
is vague, unknown, invisible, and incom- 
prehensible, for it giveth out no sign or 
word and permits not even an echo to 
be heard, 

m 

The man who continually trusts to 
luck will eat many a Monday's break- 
fast on Wednesday. 

m 

Death is indispensable for the continu- 
ance of the creative power of the universe. 



anfc ^fragments 39 



More lives prove a failure through 
errors of omission than are wrecked by 
errors of commission. 

& 

Many a wicked, scheming, and unscru- 
pulous money-getting man endeavors to 
retain the respect of the community and 
to bribe eternal justice by giving liber- 
ally to charity and church of his ill- 
gotten gains. 

* 

More lives are shortened by taking too 
much medicine than are saved by taking 
medicine. Pure air, moderate exercise, 
and regulated diet are nature's prescrip- 
tions. 

& 

The passions of the body are continu- 
ally throttling the virtues of the soul. 

He who rests on hope soon grows 
weary, but he who rests on faith is hard 
to tire. 



40 Darts, Sparks, 



Few know when to speak and fewer 
when to remain silent. 



A wise man endeavors to overcome his 
opponent with force or logic ; a fool, with 
threat or ridicule. 

* 

The miser* s delight is to be considered 
poor, and the spendthrift's aim is to be 
proclaimed rich ; and on dying the miser 
regrets that he must leave his horde be- 
hind, while the spendthrift regrets if he 
has anything left to leave behind. 

m 

Never annoy others by telling them 
your ' ' tale of woe, ' ' for they may be suffer- 
ing in silence with much greater misfor- 
tune than yonrself. It is better to take 
your troubles to the nearest policeman, 
who will enjoy your story if only for 
gossip's sake. 

m 

For a man to look upon nature and 
believe that all things were created good 



and ^Fragments 41 



and for a purpose, he must be endowed 
with divine wisdom. 

Some men are happy when they have 
their pockets full of notes, and others are 
happy when able to give their notes to 
whomsoever will accept them. 

The politician has retarded the progress 
of our system of public schools more than 
all other obstacles combined. 

The genius who wishes jealously to 
guard his knowledge, should never make 
his associates his companions. 

The imbecility of man prompts him to 
envy and hate all competitors. 

Patience is preached by all and prac- 
tised by few. 

» 

Knowledge comes from reading, judg- 
ment from thinking, and wisdom from 
experience. 



42 Darts, Sparks, 



Nature has moulded all men differ- 
ently ; consequently one genius cannot 
encroach or trample on another. 



Affectation is silly in woman and ridicu- 
lous in man. 

The humble beggar and the generous 
giver of pardon equally proclaim their 
nobility, 

m 

Publicity is always a menace to corrupt 
officials. 

m 

Man preaches virtue and woman prac- 
tises it. 

m 

The woman who is independent of her 
husband is already divorced. 

m 

The mental, moral, and physical woman 
is the ideal. 



anD fragments 43 



Genius is born of nature, and when 
nursed by patience and developed by- 
perseverance, it has a chance of living. 

& 

Strong drink and the ' ' new woman ' ' 
are the most dangerous rivals of the home. 

& 

Nearly all previously formed ideas of 
conditions or things result in disappoint- 
ment or surprise when the anticipated is 
seen. 

» 

Human intelligence cannot be measured 
by the size of the brain any more accu- 
rately than by the weight of the body. 

Superstition is an adopted excess born 
of illusion, that must be fed on idle fancy, 
clothed with omens, and held in bondage 
by dread of vengeance or it would first 
shrink and then die from neglect. 

To the human understanding nature is 
easy to anticipate but difficult to interpret. 



2>art6, Sparks, 



He who makes his acts in life subservi- 
ent to his tastes, transforms his manhood 
into a shadow and dies young, 

Most men in their search for knowledge 
never wander from the path pursued by 
predecessors, and consequently they never 
get beyond rehearsal. 

m 

The belief of many is regulated by 
their preference. 

When an old man is married to a young 
woman, he holds on to her in public for 
fear of losing her and in private for sup- 
port. 

Idleness is the foster parent of de- 
bauchery, and strong drink the forerunner 
of crime. 

m 

Familiarity with our own faults prompts 
us to search for lesser faults in others. 



anO fragments 45 



The establishment of a tribunal of 
arbitration for the adjustment of all inter- 
national controversies will mark a happy 
epoch in the lives of all nations. 

m 

Partisan servitude and the publication 
of scurrilous scandals and ' ' indecent ' ' 
evidence greatly diminish the moral in- 
fluence of our ''daily " newspapers. 

m 

Charm of manner and personal beauty 
(in woman) are short-lived substitutes for 
intelligence and education. 

A man's imagination may become so 
inflated by repeatedly relating fictitious 
adventure presented as personal experi- 
ence simply for entertainment's sake, that 
eventually he grows to believe he is 
telling the truth. 

No man ever had a wife-beater pointed 
out to him without entertaining an incli- 
nation to thrash the brute. 



46 2>arts t 5patft0 t 



Riot, bloodshed, and incendiarism are 
the boomerangs of labor strikes. 

A coward is ever ready to apologize, 
and a brave man to make amends. 

A house without a master is like a ship 
without a rudder. 



Society calls a licentious man worldly 
and countenances him, and a licentious 



J 



woman vile and shuns her. 

m 

True journalism heralds public opinion, 
secures public service, creates public 
sentiment, enlightens the populace, con- 
demns partisan fallacies, advances popu- 
lar liberty, and is unbiased in opinion 
and honest in furnishing the news. 

m 

A man's good nature is proclaimed 
when he can hear of the good fortune of 
friend or foe without rancor or envy. 



and fragments 47 



Society is bored by strict punctuality, 
is awed by intellectual power, and lives 
tranquil on self-content. 



Intemperance is indirectly responsible 
for fifty per cent, of all crime, and inferior 
associates for all intemperance. 



Intelligent criminals strangely believe 
that those who adhere strictly to honesty 
are stupid and easily deceived ; hence 
they have no dread or apprehension of 
being driven to the wall in their ' ' passage 
at arms ' ' with presiding magistrates or 
prosecuting attorneys. 

& 

Murder, suicide, divorce, and religious 
dementia become epidemic periodically 
through a morbid craving for notoriety, 
and the fanatic zeal that dominates the 
human breast to rival the fame of all 
predecessors. 



48 2>atts t Sparks, 



In the chase of life the hound Pleasure 
rarely captures the hare Happiness. 

m 

The breach dividing Protestantism and 
Catholicism is gradually narrowing, and 
the day will dawn when orthodox faith 
will be absorbed in a universal religion 
based on truth, love, charity, and divine 
redemption, a religion that will unite the 
enlightened world. 

m 

The foolish woman who thoughtlessly 
permits a single misstep from the stand- 
ard of strict propriety, though she be 
clothed in the mantle of purity, will soon 
find herself either placed in a compromis- 
ing position, or sadly in need of drapery. 

m 

A woman is always uncomfortable (in 
company) unless she looks younger than 
her husband. 

When a man speaks well of himself, he 
leaves the impression that he is a con- 



att& fragments 49 



ceited fool ; when he speaks ill of himself, 
he proves that he is a fool. 

m 

Indolence, stupidity, and selfishness are 
the weights that make many a man a fix- 
ture in life. 

m 

We resort to flattery to compliment the 
worthy, to satirize the foolish, and to 
deceive the credulous. 

» 

Money is valuable only in the ratio of 
its power to purchase the necessaries of 
life. 

& 

Too much weight is usually given to 
the opinions and "findings " of scientific 
experts, as most of these ' ' Professors ' ' 
are simply enthusiastic expounders of 
individual pet theories. 

The ideal of society should be not dol- 
lars nor pedigree, but worth. 



50 2>arts t Spares, 



Electricity as a means of communica- 
tion, locomotion, and carrying on war will 
yet revolutionize the whole world. 

m 

Every advance in science and every new 
invention gives to man a fresh impression 
of his stupidity. 

Dogmatic theologians shun a penetra- 
ting inquiry into nature, as they appre- 
hend discoveries that might prove an 
encroachment on their orthodox belief. 

m 

Poverty that results from a want of en- 
ergy or cultivated idleness is both repre- 
hensible and criminal. 

Nature conceals her riches in order that 
man may be enriched as a reward for his 
labor in discovering them. 

m 

Idle reverence for antiquity, recognition 
of conceded authority, and too close a fol- 



anfc fragments 51 



lowing in the footsteps of predecessors, 
have blighted many a man of genius. 

While we preach the equality of the 
sexes, we practically do deny woman un- 
restrained liberty and arrogantly refuse 
to grant her many privileges freely ex- 
tended to man and justly due to her. 

When politeness or restraint holds an 
unwilling listener, neither eloquence nor 
logic prevails. 

» 

A statesman is a man of ideas, a politi- 
cian one of resources. 

* 

The biggest words have the smallest 
use. 

» 

The foolish say things that they ought 
to find it necessary to conceal. 

He who disguises his superiority, is 
ever companionable. 



52 2>atts t Sparfcs, 



Man realizes when he has arrived at 
old age, while woman simply admits it to 
be her destination. 

m 

It is as absurd to advise a fool as to 
chastise a corpse, 

m 

The foolish in youth shun counsel and 
in old age invite action. 

m 

Ambition directs life and shortens the 
way to the grave. 

m 

The last time a fisherman in ill-luck 
pulls in his line he lands a piscatorial lie. 

Incredulity, doubt, or faith are stronger 
with ignorance than with knowledge. 

m 

A nation is simply a corporation of in- 
dividuals, and it should, like the individ- 
ual, submit its quarrels and differences 
to impartial arbitration or international 
courts. 



an& ^fragments 53 



The uncertainties of life, from the cra- 
dle to the coffin, render a monotonous ex- 
istence impossible. 

He who gives only that for which he 
has no use, cultivates charity at the ex- 
pense of honesty and is not beyond the 
dreams of avarice. 

* 

A face without wrinkles indicates per- 
sonal vanity and only hearsay knowledge 
of the emotions of love, sorrow, sympa- 
thy, or genius. 

A cold-blooded calculating man is apt 
to end his days a bachelor. 

The man that says his life has not been 
a failure is a fool or at least not a promoter 
of the truth. 

» 

Spiritualistic mediums claim to be able 
to diagnose the soul, but only those who 
have previously adopted the ' ' faith ' ' are 



54 Darts, Sparfts, 



deluded by their alleged "superhuman 
vision " or deceived by their sleight-of- 
hand tricks and weird manifestations. 

u 

Ability to read and write and an accu- 
rate understanding of what constitutes 
good citizenship, should be requisite for 
naturalization and for the elective fran- 
chise, 



No man's literary work is marketable 
until he has been freely criticised by 
honest reviewers or maliciously caviled 
by presumptuous critics of alleged fame. 

m 

None but a professional can long with- 
stand the tremendous strain on mind 
and nerve, the loss of character, the 
shattered reputation, the social ostracism, 
and the impoverished purse that eventu- 
ally follows incessant gambling. The 
professional learns to take his ill-luck 
philosophically, while the deluded victim 
sooner or later realizes that Dame Fortune 



anD fragments 55 



is a mythical or a fickle goddess, and on 
finding name, fame, honor, friends, and 
fortune gone, seeks oblivion in drunken 
debauchery or eternal rest in the suicide's 
grave. 

Instead of preserving antiquated homes 
or dedicating pyramids to the pride of 
departed geniuses, we should perpetuate 
their fame by keeping their works before 
the living, 

m 

Nature, ever true to herself, consid- 
ers only conditions, while man, unjust 
through ignorance, weighs the individual 
and marks only his defects. 

m 

Capital and L,abor, like the head and 
hand, are strong only when united into a 
partnership, 

& 

While luck is dreaming of fortunate 
finds, labor is providing a competence. 



56 S>arts, Sparfcs, 



The absent are always the most graphic 
narrators. 

He who claims to be under obligation 
to no man, can safely be considered a 
liar. 

The accomplice is usually first to inform 
or confess, and to ask for pardon and 
reward. 

m 

When the battle is won, the coward 
delights to parade with martial music 
while the hero seeks retirement. 

Posterity is more apt to dwarf memory 
than to perpetuate it. 

The more empty the vessel, the greater 
the sound therefrom. 

m 

He who gives advice unasked or ad- 
monishes in the hearing of a crowd, is 
more desirous of casting reproach than 
of extending a helping hand. 



anD fragments 57 



It is easier to make your enemy your 
friend with a fan than with a club. 

The kindest acts and noblest deeds in 
life are never made known. 

# 

No man can remain stationary in life ; 
he must go to the front or fall out of 
line. 

* 

Publicity is the human X-ray that 
photographs crafty and corrupt officialism. 

m 

The most important contract that man 
can make is to be true to himself. 

When society eliminates selfishness 
and banishes vanity and hatred, she will 
cease to strangle charity. 

While woman is the indispensable 
adjunct of man, in politics she is meddle- 
some, on the police force ornamental, on 



58 Darts, Sparfce, 



the platform usually illogical, in the pul- 
pit generally hysterical, and in the work- 
shop always unfortunate. 



Many a man has been rendered speech- 
less by being asked why he was a Repub- 
lican or a Democrat. 



It is base procrastination to wait till 
the first day of April to deal with a 
fool. 

Many an argument has been opened by 
brain and closed by brawn. 

m 

A malicious slanderer hurls a boome- 
rang when he throws chaff at his enemy 
without regard to the direction of the 
wind. 

No man ever started an argument by 
admitting that he was an ass. 



an& fragments 59 



Avarice is still working when the body- 
lies prone. 

m 

Immodesty will cloud the most beau- 
tiful face. 

» 

A tramp never loses his way nor a 
beggar his voice. 

» 

Many a fool has proclaimed his guilt 
by announcing his defence before being 
accused. 

» 

Humanity suffers more from swindling 
creditors than from exacting Shylocks. 

The best counsel for an angry man is 
for him to run against a stone wall. 

Never drift from logic to force to con- 
vince your friend of an error ; he may 
have concealed from you his strongest 
argument. 



6o Barts, Spares, 



Weigh flattery carefully : then, after 
dividing the dose into ten equal parts, 
take one part for compliment's sake, and 
return the remaining nine to the donor 
with thanks. 



Gentleness and good-humor will starve 
vexation and wrath. 



Truth and electricity are the strongest 
forces known to man, and of them the 
knowledge is but fragmentary. 



The platforms of political parties are 
hooks baited with sophistries for catching 
unwary voters. For a declaration of 
party policy, look to their choice of 
nominees, and not to these necessary 
political formulas. 



Hold no man responsible for his birth, 
but all men for their acts. 



anfc ^Fragments 61 



The gambler (the sharper) cheats those 
who would cheat him of his money, 
while the trades-man (the trusted) cheats 
you both in money for his chattels and in 
his chattels for your money. 



Pity the man that never laughs, but 
don't trust him. 



Age entreats best with tears and youth 
with smiles. 

^» 

A coward crows before battle and 
cackles after. 

» 

Only the dead can be commended with- 
out creating envy. 

» 

The most sacred, sublime, and impor- 
tant of all institutions is marriage, but 
unless it be based on mutual love and 
respect, it becomes a curse, a farce, and a 
mockery. 



62 Darts, Spatfes, 



Free press, free speech, and publicity 
of the acts of officials are effective influ- 
ences to hold in check tyranny, oppres- 
sion, and misrepresentation. 

» 

Theatrical angels are strictly local ; 
they learn to flutter but never to fly. 

» 

The woman who continually complains 
of the narrowness of the home circle, 
should be permitted to go abroad indefi- 
nitely. 

Never imagine that a policeman is dead 
because you can't find him on his beat. 

The hurt inflicted by contempt is more 
lasting than that which comes from a 
blow. 

* 

Discontent can grow till even heaven 
would not appease it. 



anD fragments 63 



A meditative man is a poor entertainer, 
and a diffuse man an inflated bore. 

A coquette reforms when deserted. 

Tailors make good soldiers only in 
camp because of their natural inclination 
to sit down. 

& 

Corporations always have a fund set 
aside for the suppression of legislative 
1 'oppression," and for advertising con- 
templated reforms. 

» 

When the crimes of a nation are pun- 
ished, the innocent are the greatest 
sufferers. 

No man was ever materially injured by 
being cursed by others, or knowingly 
benefited by the prayers of others. 

m 

Courage begotten by fear is short-lived 
and hysterical. 



64 Darts, Sparfts, 



The lives of more women have been 
shortened by compression than by de- 
pression and oppression combined, 

m 

To commit suicide by overwork is futile 
labor. 

m 

A son is a mother's joy, and a daughter 
a father's care. 

m 

Diplomacy is artful subterfuge and 
logical deception, and is used for screen- 
ing a menacing fist behind a conciliatory 
hand, 

Without common-sense, learning has 
no application. 

Women both praise and censure by 
comparison. 

» 

When a woman gives a compliment, 
she is negotiating for an exchange. 



an& ^Fracjmenta 65 



When a joke is tainted with vulgarity, 
it becomes garbage. 

m 

A difference between a man and a dude 
is that a man can make a fool of himself, 
and a dude can't make anything else of 
himself, 

m 

Genius plans the architecture, Confi- 
dence accepts the contract, Stability sup- 
plies the material, Energy furnishes the 
labor, Resolution lays the foundation, 
Honesty erects the walls, Character pro- 
vides the girders, Reputation decorates the 
structure, and Health and Morality purify 
the atmosphere of the house built on rock 
for the permanent occupancy of Happi- 
ness, 

m 

A curse tnat is spreading rapidly in this 
country, though its prevalence attracts 
slight attention, is the opium, morphine, 
and cocaine habits. Either of these hab- 
its once formed is rarely broken. The 



66 Darts, Sparks, 



use of these seductive drugs first causes 
temporary exhilaration, then oblivion 
blots out remorse, and finally tranquillity 
is prolonged till unconsciousness is ex- 
tended unto death. 

& 

Be an act ever so debased or a crime 
ever so atrocious, somebody can be found 
to approve or excuse. 

m 

A writer without a conscience is more 
dangerous than a contagious disease and 
should be quarantined indefinitely. 

# 

Nature is continually reminding man 
of his inferiority and insignificance. 

m 

Human deception commences at the 
cradle and extends even to the grave. 

m 

Virtue cannot be stolen, lost, or recov- 
ered. 



ant) fragments 67 



Those who preach that an abundance 
is a burden, never rest content when they 
are blessed with a competency, 

When a beneficiary rejoices on receiv- 
ing a gift, he values the gift more than 
the giver and the last gift most. 

* 

The parent who inflicts punishment 
when in anger shames himself, teaches 
his child to become a brute, and is always 
first to repent, 

The seeds of Habit quickly take root 
in human soil and grow rapidly even 
when neglected, but it requires a hercu- 
lean effort to uproot the matured growth. 

$ 

Our characters are never fortified be- 
yond attack, but they cannot be effect- 
ually injured except by ourselves. 

& 

Man likes to be gauged by the verb ; 
woman referred to by the adjective. 



2>arts, Sparfts, 



The most suitable and the happiest 
marriages are those of persons of equal 
station in life. 



When a child smiles, its eyes shine like 
the stars of heaven ; and when it laughs, 
its voice sounds like the rippling waters 
of paradise. 

The man who gambles is a deluded 
fool, but the man who gambles when he 
continues to lose is a colossal fool. 



IvOve is passionate, fiery, and ungovern- 
able. It considers not circumstances, 
cares not for age or conditions, heeds 
not counsel, and brooks no delay or inter- 
ference. 

m 

The more intellectual and cultured 
woman becomes, the more she interests 
and fascinates man. 



anD fragments 



The man who refuses a bribe the first 
time with a smile will parley at the 
second offer and will accept the third 
without comment. 

m 

Certain classes of financial combina- 
tions and mercantile trusts border on 
barbarism. They restrict the inalienable 
rights of man, cause discontent and chaos 
among the masses, antagonize capital 
against labor, widen social differences, 
foster socialism, and sow the seeds of 
anarchy, 

A greedy man never does the dividing. 

There are instances when an avoidance 
of the truth and even deception is advis- 
able, judicious, and justifiable. 



Experience gnaws a lasting hole in the 
walls of memory. 



70 Darts, Sparks, 



When everybody is well, the doctor is 
sick and the undertaker despondent. 

I<rom time immemorial woman has been 
able to tempt man, and man has been 
willing to be tempted. 

The son who accepts his father's poli- 
tics as an inheritance votes a proxy. 

" It is alleged, ' ' and ' ' They say, ' ' are 
a coward's methods of slandering. 

m 

The earth furnishes the same narrow 
shelter to both the nobleman and the 
peasant, 

m 

The best trade-mark for a man in busi- 
man is an established reputation. 

m 

The political party that distributes its 
offices before election contemplates treach- 
ery and invites defeat. 



anD fragments 71 



When the good are resting, the wicked 
are working. 

m 

Eloquence grows bold before beauty, 
and silent before gold. 

m 

There never was a book written that 
satisfied everybody or that did not please 
somebody. 

A man without money has few ac- 
quaintances, and has himself for a friend. 

m 

Some men are like cattle — valuable 
for their bulk only. 

Endeavor to reconcile your enemy, and 
then permit him to depart. 



Actions become suspicious and words 
deceptive when they do not coincide. 

Fame is earned by the living and in- 
herited by the dead. 



72 Batta, Sparks, 



Man is a varying phenomenon ; he 
displays rare intelligence one moment 
and blind stupidity the next, 

m 

"Bike" romances may untie the 
strongest nuptial knots. 

* 

The poor lose many a friend by weigh- 
ing them. 

H. 
'W 

To the moralist politics is a hospital 

for wounded reputations. 

m 

There is a limit when disappointment 
becomes galling. 

m 

Judge not a book by its gilt edge or 
massiveness, but rather by the knowledge 
stored therein. 

Riches swell the head and poverty 
makes the heel sore. 



and fragments 73 



A poker player in ill-luck never despairs 
of receiving a helping hand. 

The envy of inferiors is the praise of 
superiors. 

m 

A tailor-made man advertises himself 
a fop and his tailor an artist. 

A wife's face is a dial that registers 
nuptial happiness, abuse, or sorrow. 

m 

The man who extends his hand too 
freely is apt to expose his back when 
help is most needed. 

& 

Give a man stewed terrapin and tell 
him he has just eaten cat stew, and im- 
agination and prejudice will make him 
sick, 

m 

Some men act as if they believed that 
woman's mission in life was simply to 
perpetuate man. 



74 Watte, ©parka, 



" White lies " swerve from the straight 
path of truth until they widen into the 
twisty road of prevarication. 

* 

Beauty is a short-lived gift of nature, 
and cannot be inherited, borrowed, or 
bequeathed, 

L,ynch law has only speed and economy 
to commend it. 

# 

A lover is a poor guesser of time. 

w 

Give your friend your time, talent, 
and help in time of need, but never per- 
mit him to borrow your money till you 
are tired of him. 

m 

The poet of passion is generally an 
imbecile for action. 

m 

When a gambler is poor he is a ham- 
mer, when he is rich he is an anvil. 



anfc ^fragments 75 



Kven the man who lives on the bounty 
of his friends prays for a continuance of 
life, 

A lazy man goes to bed early that he 
may be able to rest comfortably to- 
morrow. 

When a man refuses to compromise a 
lawsuit, he is more desirous of testing 
the law than retaining his money. 

m 

By confiding in a friend, you may be 
arming an enemy. 

Few cultivate equally their moral, 
intellectual, and physical natures, conse- 
quently they are not proportionately de- 
veloped, 

m 

A man that lives on charity would 
starve on resentment. 



76 Darts, Sparfts, 



Judge not a man by his pedigree, riches, 
or construction of body, but rather by 
his speech, behavior, and the company he 
keeps. 

m 

The fool who weeps over his confession 
in court is apt to laugh at his folly in 
jail, 

m 

The statesman has respect of person ; 
the politician has no person to respect. 



A man without faults is a fit subject 
for the coroner. 



" May God help you" strengthens 
faith but appeases not hunger, and pro- 
claims that you are willing to shift the 
responsibility to another. 

m 

When two men exchange friends, all 
four sustain a loss. 



mxb fragments n 



Politics is the statesman's life, and the 
living of the politician. 

A returnable Congressman is one who 
establishes a reputation for economy by 
opposing the expenditure of public money 
for his country's defence, and who obtains 
a liberal national appropriation for the 
sole benefit of his constituency. 

Educate the masses and political heroes 
will no longer be confined to a conspicu- 
ous few. 

A pessimistic bachelor and an hys- 
terical old maid are both less miserable 
single. 

» 

The chivalrous sentimentality of judges 
and juries has saved many a murderous 
woman from the gallows. 

» 

When you visit a rich friend without 
invitation you are considered an intruder ; 



•?8 Darts, Sparks, 



when you visit a poor friend unbidden 
you are made a welcome guest. 

To joke with a stupid man is to risk 
friction through misunderstanding. 

m 

Beware of men with long hair, for they 
have little brain and less common sense ; 
and avoid women with short hair, for 
they have less of both. 

.*. 

The spade is mightier than the pen or 
sword for it makes a resting-place for all. 

Proverbs demonstrate the wisdom of a 
premise, add sense to argument, and are 
the most effective and lasting form of 
instruction. 

The degenerated boast most of their 
ancestry, because they have nothing to 
brag of in themselves. 

The best place for a nuisance is in bed. 



anD ^Fragments 79 



A coward lives in dread of shadows 
and dies before casting one. 

m 

A man clean of body, clean of mind, 
and clean (out) of money is clean indeed. 

m 

The suicide is an epitome of impolite- 
ness. He departs this life unceremoni- 
ously, and forces his presence on the life 
hereafter uninvited and before his time. 



The Chinese mother's Spartan advice : 
" I^eave your flag but not yourself on the 
field of battle, and endeavor to beat your 
queue home." 

* 

The female breast is the apex of human 
emotion. 

As we increase the mental, physical, 
and moral development of the child, we 
lessen mental weakness, physical pain, 
and criminal inclination in man. 



8o 2)arts, Sparks, 



Society welcomes the out-of-business 
thief provided he retires with riches. 

When a fool goes abroad, he is always 
at home. 

& 

A recluse either has been a devil or 
would be a saint. 

m 

The man who believes that the world 
owes him a living is wise providing he is 
willing to work to secure his portion. 

The criminality of many an unfortu- 
nate is due to the germ instilled in the 
child by prenatal influence. 

& 

'T is either vanity, ignorance, criminal 
emotions, or religious zeal that prompts 
civilized men to tattoo themselves. 

* 

Advancing years are to a woman like 
mill-stones about her neck. 



anD fragments 81 



To the brain-worker, gambling is a de- 
lusive diversion ; to the horse thief, it is 
morally elevating ; to the professional fol- 
lower, it is more enticing than lucrative. 

#. 

A child is awed by the virtues of its 
parents and is impressed by their vices. 

m 

Society may forgive the criminal, and 
open its arms to the immoral, but he who 
transgresses conventional ethics is never 
pardoned, 

m 

A politician lives on hope and a states- 
man on expectation. 

m 

L,et it be known that you are no longer 
in need of assistance, and offers to aid 
pour in upon you in a deluge. 

When a man assumes pride, he be- 
comes an assimilated ass ; when he in- 
herits it, he is an innate ass, 

6 



82 2)art6 t Sparks, 



'Tis the unexpected that startles the 
world, and the expected that fills it with 
disappointment. 



No man is irremediably ruined who 
has health left, for he is still equipped to 
hustle for the necessaries of life. 



The world is full of double prompters, 
who urge the thief to action and the 
officer to arrest. 



When a strong man thrashes a weak 
one and apologetically says, "I wish 
you were bigger," he lies. 



Man betrays a secret maliciously, and 
woman inadvertently or for gossip's sake. 

0. 

The perquisites of office are generally 
extortions too well disguised to create 
fear of exposure or dread of punishment. 



and fragments 83 



The politeness of some folk is like 
"Senatorial courtesy" — it consumes too 
much time, 

Many an author, with memory im- 
paired, has been charged with plagia- 
rism for writing what he conscientiously 
believed to be the creation of his imagi- 
nation, but what had really been written 
from vague remembrance , 

A husband's treatment is reflected in 
a wife's countenance. 

The thumb-nail is a good tablet on 
which to record most men's virtues. 

A man can fret and grumble until from 
mere contact he becomes gloomy in 
spirit, distorted in features, annoying 
to himself, and discouraging to others. 

One secret is ever sacred with woman, 
namely, her age. 



84 Barts, Sparks, 



The man who becomes a benefactor 
to his poor friend, and afterwards steals 
the affection of his friend's wife, stands 
with one foot in heaven and one in hell. 

m 

If you have a rich enemy, see that he 
forms the acquaintance of a speculator 
in stocks, a race-horse tout, a private 
detective, a lawyer, and a doctor. I^ater, 
you can bury your resentment with your 
enemy, and demonstrate that you are not 
the meanest of men, by heading the sub- 
scription to defray his funeral expenses. 

m 

The road to Fame is over a zig-zagged 
path covered with thorns, that leads up 
a dazzling and rugged precipice, and he 
who climbs with energy and perseverance 
and stops but to rest, falls back, sadder 
but wiser, to start anew, 

m 

The road to Ruin is down the broad 
and alluring course of Pleasure, where 
descent is so gradual as to be scarcely 



anD fragments 85 



perceptible, but when foothold is lost, 
the unfortunate traveller is hurled by 
the hand of an unseen demon to the 
yawning abyss below. 

m 

The great drawback to amassing a for- 
tune by speculation is the difficulty 
experienced in retaining till night what 
has been made in the morning. 

9 

Multiply all good reports of men by 
three, and divide all evil innuendoes by 
six, and you will be able approximately 
to estimate their character. 

m 

There never was a link forged that 
could long hold together pride and 
poverty. 

& 

Modest5 T , dread of overestimating one's 
worth and achievements, and a desire to 
avoid self-praise, all tend to diminish the 
worth of autobiographies ; while an incli- 
nation to exalt, to attribute undeserved 



86 Darts, Sparks, 



merit, and to sing the praises of departed 
souls so magnify most biographies as to 
render them too untrustworthy for ac- 
ceptance as history. 

* 

Superfluous intellectuality, though 
rarely encountered, is known to exist. 
By instilling more knowledge than is 
consistent with their nature, those thus 
mentally burdened deviate from their 
normal conditions of life and eventually 
lose their identity. They are generally 
mild fanatics or theoretical cranks, who 
lack the capacity for conceiving an idea 
of intrinsic value or for advancing a 
proposition of benefit to mankind. They 
are found to be of a prosaic turn of mind ; 
long for the restoration of the idyllic 
epoch ; imagine that all mountains echo 
of the iEolian harp ; dream of Darian my- 
thology ; revere the heroism of past cen- 
turies that bordered on savagery ; worship 
legends of the knight-errant age ; and 
live, metaphorically, within hearing of 



an& ^fragments 87 



the flute, and the shepherd's flock. Their 
hearts are full of tranquil chivalry, and 
their heads full of ideal imagination, 
their stomachs full of minute baubles. 
Life to them is mythical, and it takes one 
of these ' ' obsoletes ' ' two hours to cast 
his ballot correctly under the require- 
ments of the Australian system. 

& 

At twenty, man looks for a pretence 
to keep out of bed till morning ; at thirty, 
he has found the excuse, and congenial 
companions and hilarious entertainment 
influence late hours ; at forty, age suggests 
the necessity of seasonable hours for re- 
tirement ; at fifty, sleep is sought early 
and an effort is made to prolong it ; at 
sixty, man goes to bed early, though 
fatigued, sleeps little, is more or less rest- 
less all night, imagines all mysterious 
sounds indicate the presence of burglars, 
all odors a smouldering fire, all heavy 
breathing distress, and is frequently up 
and wandering around the house either 



5>arts t Spares, 



on an inspection tour or to look for medi- 
cine to ease an imaginary ailment ; at 
seventy — he may be called lucky if not 
sleeping too soundly to fear terrestrial 
disturbance. 

m 

Compulsory laws of observance or any 
restraint on the liberties of the individual 
are clearly against the intent and purpose 
of the Constitution, Sabbatarians, senti- 
mentalists, and religious fanatics to the 
contrary notwithstanding. 

m 

Man's fight to save the soul is one of 
confidence, to preserve the body one of 
expectation, and to acquire wealth one of 
desperation. 

To retain our friends we should have 
intercourse with them often and use them 
seldom. 

Goodness and baseness seek their own 
level as certainly as does water, conse- 



and ^Fragments 89 



quently they never become congenial 
companions. 

m 

Love is proportioned by nature and is 
inexhaustible, impetuous, and not to be 
measured, analyzed, or entombed, and the 
man who attempts to define or weigh it, 
either draws upon his imagination or 
simply relates a personal experience. 

# 

To refine the coarser nature of man he 
must associate with gentle-mannered and 
refined woman. 



Many a genius who aspired to fill a 
niche in the temple of fame has ended his 
days in a padded cell in an asylum for 
the demented owing to his unrestrained 
self-indulgencies . 

Virtues are not usually visible to the 
naked eye, neither can they be verified 
like vices. 



90 Darts, Sparks, 



To extend hospitality with ostentation 
is to establish false credit. 



When a man closes argument with 
profanity, it is evidence that he has ex- 
hausted his knowledge and is admitting 
defeat. 



Many an honest man has become a 
criminal ' ' for the occasion ' ' when under 
the stress of a crisis or disaster. 



Greatness cares not for opinion, fears 
not ridicule, clamors not for immediate 
recognition, and lives only in hope of ful- 
filling a high destiny and of being finally 
understood. 



Of all created beings man alone fool- 
ishly attempts what cannot be accom- 
plished. 



The first attribute of a gentleman is 
manhood, all other qualifications being 
auxiliary. 



and 3f raiments 91 



A child inherits its father's name and 
its mother's character. 

m 

Man requires time and deliberation to 
study woman ; woman judges man with 
a glance, 



A child's love is as pure as the early 
morning dew. 

The Democrat makes many promises 
before election and keeps few ; the Re- 
publican makes fewer and keeps less ; the 
Populist promises universal prosperity, 
but is never in position to make good his 
prophecies. 

Every man is entitled to do precisely 
as he pleases provided that in so doing he 
does not encroach or interfere with the 
rights of others. 

m 

Show me a man whose trinity of love 
is woman, children, and flowers, and I '11 
show you a good man at heart. 



92 Darts, 5parft0, 



In war, politics, and poker, friendship 
is shelved for future consideration. 

m 

Man's activities cover the world, while 
woman's sphere rarely extends beyond 
her immediate family. 

When religious cranks who suffer from 
acute mania, superinduced by religious 
zeal, become crazed on theology, they 
frequently labor under the delusion that 
God demands a sacrifice of human life as 
an atonement for the sins of mankind ; 
but, unfortunately for the balance of hu- 
manity, the mental aberrations of these 
demented fanatics never suggest them- 
selves as fit subjects for such consecrated 
sacrifice. 

m 

The principal causes of failure in life 
are debt, dissipation, speculation, inferior 
associations, over-confidence in humanity, 
lack of moral aud intellectual education, 
and a loss of energy and ambition. 



an& fragments 93 



He who lives in the past breathes the 
decadence of the tomb, while he who 
lives to the future inhales the air of sel- 
fish expectation. 



Woman has less weight of brain but 
more fibre of heart than man. 



In fifty cases out of a hundred the hus- 
band is directly responsible for the un- 
happiness in married life. 



If man is fortunate he may acquire 
some wisdom in life ; if woman is sen- 
sible she will submissively look to the 
life hereafter for her portion. 



Many an honest man has eventually 
become a criminal owing to his criminal- 
ity being first suspected and then taken 
for granted, 



Those who complain most of the world 
make the least effort to better their con- 
dition. 



94 S>art6 t Spatftg, 



Many accept new opinions and adopt 
new theories for novelty's sake, and many 
retain old ideas and adhere to sacred tra- 
ditions for consistency and conformity. 

Nature intended man to use either his 
hands or his head in his struggle with 
the world, but not a few depend solely on 
their cheek, their friends, or their relatives. 

m 

Some men are endowed with unique 
memories : they retain rumors but forget 
facts, remember money borrowed but 
never recall the lender. 

m 

Eighty per cent, of international mar- 
riages prove disappointments because the 
deluded candidates are neither mated nor 
matched. 

Some men are extremely apprehensive 
when soliciting a loan, because they 
are seriously impressed with the fact that 
they are placing themselves under a life- 
time obligation. 



and 3fraainent5 95 



The most talented of men are at times 
superfluous and nonsensical. 

The nation that objects to intelligent 
and impartial arbitration is only approx- 
imately civilized or christianized, 

Iyiterary aspirations live longer when 
cherished in private than when exploded 
in public. 

& 

When a "fallen" woman reforms she 
may be forgiven in heaven, but on earth 
she ever remains a resuscitated corpse of 
immorality, 

When only men of force, character, and 
intellectual ability are elected to Con- 
gress, then its members will represent 
more than a home constituency. 

m 

An honorable man is the noblest work 
of God, and a loving, lovable, and virtu- 
ous woman a terrestrial angel. 



96 Darts, Sparks, 



He who looks for the price-mark on a 
gift would, in all probability, expect to 
pay an admission fee to heaven. 

A muzzled press is a sure indication of 
a tottering government. 

m 

The ratio of recreant wives to erring 
husbands is one to fifty. 

m 

Religion may improve politics, but 
politics will never inspire religion. 

The nation that looks for its heroes to 
the tomb and not to the cradle is fast 
degenerating. 

m 

Man is more discreet than woman in 
making and investing money, and woman 
more judicious in its saving and expendi- 
ture. 

Beauty requires prudence, health de- 
mands it, and experience teaches it. 



an& ^fragments 97 



A Republican politician listens some of 
the time, talks part of the time, and works 
all of the time ; a Democratic politician 
talks part of the time, and works most of 
the time ; a Populistic politician talks all 
of the time. 

» 

The road to longevity is crossed by 
the dangerous paths of excesses, is full 
of the insnaring pitfalls of pleasures, is 
forked by the inviting byways of indul- 
gences, and finally the terminus is ob- 
scured by infirmities. 

» 

Man is the more perfect physically and 
intellectually ; woman the more refined, 
sympathetic, spiritual, impulsive, emo- 
tional, and superior in contour and facial 
beauty. Man, in perfection, has the stur- 
diness of the oak and the sublime grand- 
eur of the mountain crest ; woman, the 
beauty of the valley, the impressiveness 
of the rose, the tenacity of the creeping- 
ivy, and the grace of the gazelle. Of all 



98 Barts, Sparfca, 



animal creation, woman is the most artis- 
tically beautiful. Man should be consid- 
ered from an architectural standpoint, and 
woman from the picturesque and aesthetic. 
Bach possesses distinct component parts 
of a divided whole made perfect when 
united. 



A hero acts on impulse and feeling, 
without reasoning chances or calculating 
consequences. 

There is no intermediate course between 
kindness and meanness. 



Life is incomprehensible to the youth, 
a dream to the young man, a sad reality 
to the middle-aged man, and a failure to 
the old man. 

Silence does not indicate reserved wis- 
dom, it simply emphasizes discretion. 



anb fragments 99 



The world takes nothing for granted. 
It gauges a man by what he has done 
and not by what he professes to be able 
to do. 

* 

Comfort may suggest bloomers for 
the "bike," masculine aspirations may 
prompt the " new woman " to don trou- 
sers, and ' ' gallery -gods ' ' may clamor for 
tights and drapery, but common sense 
will still adhere to the petticoat for 
woman's apparel. 

# 

When some men meet a creditor, their 
countenances assume a stoniness that 
emits a sepulchral chill. 

m 

Cowardice has prompted more apolo- 
gies than regret. 

f& 

The possession of riches does not guar- 
antee happiness but it alleviates many a 
pang. 



2>arts, Sparft0, 



More lives have been wrecked by praise 
than by censure. 

* 

A man is recognized as having left the 
ranks of the vulgar herd and become a 
connoisseur when he can view all modern 
works of art without becoming nauseated. 

We labor to extract gold and silver 
from the earth, we waste health, sacrifice 
self-respect, forfeit honor, and jeopardize 
eternity for their accumulation, and we 
finally are ourselves iguominiously de- 
posited in the place from which they 
come. 

& 

'Tis well to remember that procrasti- 
nation cannot be extended beyond the 
grave. 

» 

Some Christians devote more time to 
worshipping the past than to considering 
the future. 



anD ^fragments 



Kven history is incomplete when denied 
imagination. 

» 

When silence prevails in the sanctuary, 
we are filled with awe and reverence ; 
when service begins, we again become 
mortal. 

* 

Argument loses force when its reason- 
ing can be anticipated. 

# 

To ridicule or rebuke, and to refuse to 
adopt or conform to what is known to 
your own generation as "orthodox 
faith," is to brave the displeasure of the 
world. 

» 

When a man becomes puzzled as to his 
duty, all that he has to do is to inquire 
of his friends. 

* 

Those who resort to prayer as a means 
to promote private ends are more con- 
cerned of the body than solicitous of the 
soul. 



Barts, Sparks, 



Aspirants for fame should learn to 
trust to themselves and not to imitate 
men of talent or become disconcerted by 
the success of contemporaries. 

& 

Theories should be adopted on proba- 
tion and dismissed when found unten- 
able. 

Unfortunate and weak are those who 
permit society to name their associates, 
to select their occupations, to direct their 
pursuit of happiness, to dictate their mar- 
riages, and to choose their religion. 

» 

There are many different kinds of 
memory, the obligatory being exception- 
ally rare. 

m 

Many a man sincere when alone be- 
comes a hypocrite when in society. 

m 

A child's first prayer echoes and re- 
echoes in heaven, while the selfish peti- 



anfc fragments 103 



tions of the multitude die with vanity en 
route. 

* 

Of all laws, that of compensation is the 
most sublime and the least understood. 
An advance in power brings additional 
responsibilities ; an increase in riches 
adds discontent to avarice ; to exhaust 
the pleasures of life is to endure longer 
the miseries ; to acquire fame is to gain 
envy ; to speed through life is sooner to 
reach its journey's end. 

Many a society woman has been pro- 
nounced disinterested and eccentric sim- 
ply because she was in love with her own 
husband. 

m 

When youth is wedded to old age rev- 
erence is substituted for love. 

When danger is anticipated, a coward 
wriggles ; when it threatens, he wobbles ; 
when it appears, he shrinks. 



io4 Darts, Sparfts, 



The woman who abandons the nursery 
and sacrifices home duties and fireside 
amusements for bloomers and the ' ' bike," 
perverts her womanhood, disgraces her 
sex, and morally and physically handi- 
caps coming generations. 

Brutality, revenge, and gain prompt 
man to commit murder; envy, deep- 
rooted jealousy, and a craving for notori- 
ety are the incentives of a woman. 



The advent of the dude has severely 
tested the limit of human tolerance. 



Man may attain such proficiency as a 
liar as to be able to lie alphabetically, 
scientifically, and interestingly. When 
woman lies, it is for expediency, and 
then she is impressive, pathetic, courte- 
ous, lucid, and hardly conscious of her 
offence. 



anfc ^Fragments 105 



The perverted woman who entertains 
an aversion for children, and who shuns 
maternity, is unwelcome in this life and 
unknown in the next. 



DEFINITIONS. 

SOMETHING for nothing, yet rarely 
appreci ated — advice . 

m 

A vital suggestion — a knife thrust. 

Vandal sport — leap-frog over tomb- 
stones. 

m 

A municipal lodging-house — the police- 
station. 

A hospital for wounded reputations 
— Congress. 

m 

National alms — pensions (to the unde- 
serving). 

1 06 



Definitions 107 



A museum of anatomy — a soldiers' 
home. 

» 

A whisper seldom heard and rarely 
responded to — lend me $5. 

The modern result of marriage- 
divorce. 

m 

Never homesick — the defaulter. 

Slower than a hill horse — reform legis- 
lation. 

& 

A congressional inquiry on finance — 
what 's in it? 

& 

Dead but living— dead drunk. 

Surest way to head off crime — the 
guillotine. 

The gormandizer's idea of "heavenly 
bliss " — a full stomach. 



io8 definitions 



An appropriate betrothal gift for 
modern troth plighters — an inseparable 
yoke. 

m 

A disease most dreaded by politicians — 
grave hysteria. 

Dakota — the land where Abraham can 
cast forth Hagar legally and speedily. 

A shocking seat — the electric chair. 

Kleptomania — morally irresponsible 
and lawfully excusable theft when com- 
mitted by women of social standing and 
affluent circumstances. 



A Chinese soldier — a battle-scared vet- 
eran who is armed with a flag, who 
heroically beats a gong, looks fierce and 
blood-thir3t3 r , makes menacing faces, and 
who is led against the enemy like sheep 
to the shambles only to seek individual 



^Definitions 109 



safety by fleeing without regard to coun- 
try or compass. 

A poet is skilled in metrical composi- 
tion, and a grave-digger in metrical 
decomposition. 

& 

A modern pugilist — one who advocates 
physical culture, strategically avoids 
combat, and is well versed in the science 
of menacing and blustering talk over the 
long-distance telephone. 

» 

A farcical mixture — religion and 
politics. 

* 

A dude is a living apology for man- 
hood and a domesticated proxy for man. 
He has the mannerisms and upper part 
of the mermaid, while his asinine nature 
has endowed him with the obstinacy of 
Balaam's ass, the conceit of iEsop's ass, 
and the stupidity of Sancho's ass. The 
pure-strained and ultra-fashionable dude 



Definitions 



traces his ancestral lineage to the 
Mayflower and his sesthetic vagaries 
to the sunflower. Those of this breed 
distinguish themselves by parting both 
hair and name in the middle. The 
advent of the dude has divided humanity 
into three sexes, namely, men, women, 
and dudes. The dude is insolvent in 
both common sense and purse, and lives 
on his mother when young, and on his 
father and his friends ever after. When 
a dude departs this life, nature heaves 
an imperceptible sigh at the displacement 
of one of her atoms ; but man, realizing 
no numerical loss, mourns not. 



MILLENNIUM INDICATIONS. 



\ 17 HEN the farmer with mortgaged 
' ' lands and blasted crops shall no 
longer be called the most independent 
of men. 

When fifty passengers find seats in a 
car accommodating sixty. 

% ' 

When Christianity is not catacombed 
by divisions. 

» 

When our heiresses no longer exchange 
American gold for foreign brass. 

When a theatrical variety company 
can avoid being stranded without the 
accompaniment of a professional pugilist. 



Millennium Ifn&ications 



When jealous wives cease to imagine 
that every woman is in love with their 
unattractive husbands. 

When the man who owes you a dollar 
or two doesn't suddenly discover some- 
thing attractive on the opposite side of 
the street as he passes you. 

When patriotism prompts the murderer 
and defaulter to commit suicide to save 
his country the expense of trial. 

m 

When druggists keep good liquors for 
medicinal purposes. 

When politicians have passed into 
history. 

When fools cease to put all of their 
chips in on a bob flush before they draw. 

m 

When female suffragists cast their 
ballots without considering the physique 



dBtllennium Indications 113 



and comeliness of the male candidate for 
office. 

m 

When preachers look for their compen- 
sation to the hereafter and not to their 
congregations, 

& 

When the only lucrative position in a 
horse-race is to finish in front. 

& 

When there exists a single standard of 
morality for both sexes. 

When man realizes the advantage of 
tipping a waiter before service. 

& 

When man's worth is estimated by his 
good qualities and not by his pedigree. 

When it becomes possible to secure a 
conviction for murder committed by 
members of the Italian Mafia or by 
Chinese Highbinders. 



ii4 /HMIlennium Ifnfcf cations 



When woman prefers to be a creation 
of God to one of Paris. 



When a statesman, a clergyman, an 
artist, or a Congressman will be able to 
divide public attention with a champion 
pugilist. 

When morbidly emotional women 
transfer their sympathy, flowers, and do- 
nations from the brutal murderer to the 
grief-stricken and impoverished sufferers 
from his hellish crime. 

» 

When prosecuting attorneys cease to 
believe that their duty is to secure a con- 
viction of the accused notwithstanding a 
lack of evidence to establish his guilt. 

When a seat in the United States Sen- 
ate is conferred without pecuniary ex- 
penditure. 



dlMHenmum UnDtcations 115 



When prize-fighting shall no longer be 
called an aesthetic exhibition of physical 
culture, 

m 

When capital and labor unite in part- 
nership. 

& 

When a man leaves his ' ' specs ' ' and 
not his respects at home. 

When Apostolic prophets and their 
" elect" are publicly branded as pre- 
sumptuous impostors and deluded 
cranks. 

When husbands cease to believe that a 
wife's mission is simply to minister to 
their gastronomic vagaries. 

$ 

When we confess our sins one to an- 
other without boasting of them. 

$ 

When a candidate for the Presidential 
nomination does not publicly announce 



n6 /UMllennium 1 nDicatlons 



that he has no aspirations for the office, 
but would consider it his duty to sacrifice 
private interests and personal wishes if 
called upon to serve his country. 

m 

When common-sense management of 
the national resources and national cur- 
rency shall render it unnecessary for our 
country to depend upon a ''financial 
clique" to preserve the solvency of its 
Treasury. 

When the United States are prepared to 
recognize the belligerency of tyrannized 
colonies who are struggling for freedom 
and independence as did her patriots of 
'76, and with as good a cause. 

THE} end. 



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